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Epilogue
Grimshaw, I’m sorry. I love you. I pray that some way--somehow--someone reads this to you someday. I’m not sure you’ll understand, but I have no choice. Your confession last night moved me, but scared me just the same. For years I have managed to suppress the horror of my childhood--the deep dark secret that drove my parents apart and segregated me from my brothers. I should’ve told you sooner, but the more time that passed, the less it seemed real. Only on random nights did it haunt my dreams and rob me of sleep. A decade later--to the very day!--it happened again. My nightmare was made flesh. Why it happened I’ll never know, but I was never as curious as you when it came to mysteries. What I do know is I can’t go through this again. The first time it drove my parents to divorce. I haven’t seen or heard from my mother since. Richard became over-protective though he didn’t know the whole story, just like you: until now. Robert robbed me of everything. He took my mother, my brother, my childhood, my innocence, and my ability to love…until you came into my life. Robert raped me. God! If you only knew how long this page stayed blank while the pen trembled in my hand until I was able to write that. The worst part of it was I got pregnant. Obviously from my lack of children it was aborted. I had to drop out of school. Dad sent Robert away, but it only lasted a few years. All I can remember was it had to do with some sort of military school. Mother refused to believe me and called me a whore. My dad didn’t stand for that. I don’t even think there was any legal paperwork for a divorce. After the hospital and doctor visits I spent too much time with a psychiatrist. Maybe it wasn’t enough. Somehow I only managed to overcome what happened by pretending it never did. If the shrink knew that’s what I did I’d probably still be seeing her to this day. When I met you things changed. For reasons I still can’t explain I knew you and I were meant to be. All I ever wanted was a family. A family with you. The abortion took that away from me. From us. All we could raise together were plants and animals. It was a mild substitute, but never enough. I always felt safe around you. Even though you couldn’t see I just felt you were more in tune with the world than anyone else I’d ever met. I felt you could protect me from death itself. But you can’t. No one can. Robert took you from me tonight just like he took everyone else. The Whiskey is burning down, and dad is nowhere to be found. I‘ve got a strong feeling that Robert had something to do with it. He took you and dad, and then he took me again. I can’t forget this pain. I don’t know what he’s going to do with you, but I know it won’t be good. I owe you a confession: I’ve been taking sleeping pills. Robert would come for me in the night. In my nightmares. Some nights I wouldn’t sleep, but I knew you’d figure it out eventually and ask why. You’re so damn stubborn about knowing things! I’ll never be able to sleep again. The problem is I can’t live with this either. Not again. I’m not strong enough. I’ve never been strong anyway. It was always a lie. I’m just a victim of a small town hell. We all are. I know you always thought there might not be a God, but believed that something, somewhere, seemed to have some sort of scheme sometimes. There is nothing for me now but pain and suffering. I know all you wanted to do was to make me happy. You did. For so long I lived for you. You made me feel there really was some sort of positive force in the world. But now you’re gone. Maybe not yet, but probably soon enough. This is the only way I’ll ever be able to sleep again. This is the only way I can ever fake happiness without you. I’m getting tired now. I’m sorry Joey. I love you so much. If you ever get this please forgive me. I hope we meet again in a much better place, but I don’t expect to. If we can’t be happy, then I’ll make damn sure Robert can’t be either. Yours forever, Robby Lynn